Life

I have so many random thoughts going through my mind that picking a title would be very difficult and/or long. I'm at Starbucks now watching this group of older friends, one gentleman has had 3-4 people leave and a new group come in within a few minutes. I see him frequently at my Starbucks visits. He will be reading the paper or having deep intellectual conversations with whomever he is with. He seems well educated and as if he's been around the world a couple of times. I'm in my own little corner sipping my high-calorie Peppermint Mocha and as usual contemplating life while I watch big snow flakes float to the snow covered ground.

Lately I've been amazed how many people seem to ignore God. Try to dismiss Him from existence. I'm also pleased that simply dismissing God from their lives and their way of living does not dismiss God's existence. I am reminded while growing up I would get angry at my parents, I was a jerk as a kid just so everyone knows. I was the typical know-it-all freak who thinks her parents are morons and know nothings. It was especially hard on my dad because he was more old fashioned than my mom. Every time I would get mad or be a typical teenager I would "ignore" my parents, pretend they didn't provide for me when without them I'd have nothing to protect me. When I'd get gifts I'd only thank mom and not dad. Now that wasn't all the time of course but many of the time when I knew very well dad had provided for us.

The whole time I would ignore either of them while they did their loving parental obligations, they were still there, only a few feet from me, watching out for me, providing for my needs, and making my life possible.

I remember several times dad picking me up from school, depending on my mood I would sit there and rarely say anything. Closer to my teens I got better at holding conversations with him of course.

The point is, no matter how many times I tried ignore my parents to non-existence they were very real, they were very much there, doing what God had asked them to do. No matter how many times I tried to ignore the fact my dad or mom provided the food on the table each meal or the clothes on my body to keep me warm and sheltered, all of what we needed was provided.

There are so many people who think they know more, know what is best for ourselves. Eve thought she knew what she needed, she went after her desire, and after she got what she wanted she was doomed to death. Oh sure she got the knowledge she wanted, but was it really what she wanted? Did she really need to know what God knew? How many of us would really better off if we knew what He knew? I can't help but be reminded of that every time I see my friends or family members go after what they wanted or desired. I was told once by a friend that a mutual friend is having problems deciding who to "make happy" the community, God or themselves.

God has created EVERYTHING for our own good. Why go astray from that? Why try to ignore a loving Heavenly Father who has provided all that we need and continues to do so even after being ignored and forgotten, also when we know very well the truth of the matter is we would not be where we are nor do we deserve to be provided for over and over again.

Will I ever be past this?

I'm sitting here at Panera sipping my free 3.99 pumpkin spice latte and thinking about what I need to do. As I ponder about today's plans,certain questions pop into my mind. Will I ever be "settled" will I ever be at a point in my life where I am in a career or a company that I can see myself staying at?

The other day I was reading a survey for a job position and thinking, "I'm 31 years old now and I am still filling out an application." Is it because of the economy? Or is it because God is still shifting me for the perfect job he has for me? Does God have a Starbucks position for me that I will love forever and never want to leave? Another question immediately follows with "Haven't I been ready for one of those perfect positions for a while now!?"

Then I wonder, all the daytime I have free, what should I do? should I travel short trips and take photos? Should I state a book? Should I email all the possible companies I know, which are not many, and stalk them until they give in and give that perfect job? I also wonder if my brain could handle the academics for Vet Assistant? My mind goes crazy once in a while. :)

Last Thursday I spent a wonderful fall birthday with a best friend shopping antique stores and walking around a park and finally going to a great fondue place, The Melting Pot. It was so nice to just hang out, not only for me but for her, who is an overworked private school teacher.

I still picture myself out in the country, big 100 year old farmhouse with all sorts of random animals running all around the place. You would think at 31 I'd feel settled. You would think I'd be where I'm "supposed to be" by now. I feel like I'm wandering about looking and searching.

I know someone greater knows where I am supposed to be, but it'd be nice for little hints :)

Memories

Every once in a while I will have episodes of memories flooding my mind not knowing really how long I will be stuck in this "ah memories" mode but feeling very out of it.

Recently I've been remembering times when my brother and I were younger and would play all sorts of random games, pretending we were anyone but ourselves. Of course those who know me well have already heard these stories, so bare with me. But today an old friend, Brian, and I happened to visit a local thrift store and he being the strong man that he is started rummaging through all these bins of toys. as we started finding toys we both used to play with memories flowed through again...

My brother and I would usually fight, but we did have little snippets of time we actually got along enough to have some fun. I remember mostly the tom-boyish things I would do with him. We would watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Transformers, all the Saturday morning cartoons, laying in our pj's. On the days we played out side and find out we could make our Turtle head bands, just smashing berries on sheet strips. He made a really cool pair of nun-chucks and I made a pair of dagger out of cardboard and foil paper.

I remember all this stuff when I look at who we have become today, almost wishing we could drift back to those innocent days and just worry about which turtle we would be. We would stack up all the pillows and pretend we were horse racing. We would dig snow forts in the winter, climb trees in the summer.

Those memories are special. I love my brother, he would make me mad sometime, still does, and he makes me laugh so hard I cry. The toys were classic, today we found originals of so many characters both Brian and I remember. To top it off I'm in my old hometown, Markleville. My whole life was spent in this town. Odd how when you visit a place you see things that have drastically changed and others you're surprised haven't changed at all. Markelville is still a blink you'll miss it nothing town, while Pendleton,another home town of mine, is booming with progress.

As I look back I look at life back then and now, and wonder if I'm the same person. Have I grown? Have broadened my horizons? I look at myself today and think of me just pushing forward and wanting more done and more accomplished. I've been fueled to go further. God has given me this desire to do more and to be better than what I knew. I don't want to settle for less than what God has for more. I also need to be focused on what he wants me to do. I need to be detached from anything keeping me from God.

The only one I need to be attached to is God and His will for my life.

First Attempts

I got my first chance at dog grooming yesterday. It was fun, I could see myself doing it as a career, along with my other 20 on the side jobs ;). I bathed 3 dogs, one of which was infested with fleas. Other then knowing I have to bathe everything, fight a few eye boogies and get an occasional splash of water I'll make it.

I've got to take control, and know what the priorities in life are. 1. Serving God. I need to find a way to work and serve/worship God in church. I have noticed that my feelings have been effected by not attending church on a regular bases. Sure I can have personal time but it is not the same as being surrounded by other Christians and being in God's house listening to someone else's insight on the word of God.

I think i have to be patient. Know that what I am doing, where I am at is preparing me for whatever God has planned for me. I don't have to rush and get all the photo equipment NOW, I don't have to get a degree in it yet, nor do I have to tell anyone and feel bad that I am not photographing everything needed to be.

So yeah those are my thoughts. Fall is coming. I left my windows up in my car while driving, never thought that day would come soon enough. Our house is neatly decorated for fall, complete with all the fallish scented candles we could scrounge up. I feel like going to a pumpkin patch farm and going for a hay bale ride, looking for the perfect pumpkin. I miss those Marching Band Fall parties.

Well that is all for now. I am resting the truth that God knows what He is doing, He knows our desires and our thoughts. His plans are greater than ours, they are inconceivable to our little brains, so just be content in knowing Someone knows what is going on.

We don't have to know everything do we?Why do we get upset for not knowing everything? How is it we expect to know but we couldn't handle it?

Schmeh

I love this word. It was discovered one night watching Voyager. Sherry was playing around with words an Alien had said and ever since then we have used it in pretty much every sentence. Much like that famous Mary Poppins word but only shorter. It explains everything from feelings, thoughts, what you want to do tonight, everything.


I've been feeling schmeh lately, at least last few weeks/months. I'm feeling as if I am looking for a new path in life and can not find it. I feel as if I'm able to do "things" I can not do not by any fault of anyone, mind you, but simply because they are not asked for, they are not thought of, or the position/idea has been filled. So I am here, waiting for an opening, a place to belong, a place where I think I am making a difference and not just taking up room.

I have been back in Indiana for almost a year, out of college since December and I feel as if I'm floating. I battle with trying to prove what I can do and what I know and trying to get out of my moment of Mediocrity or the state of "Just Good Enough to Get By" in which I've been battling that my whole life. I'm not sure I'll really ever get over that state.

I can't wait for the day in which I will be doing something and I can tell others and myself, I can do this, I know this area, I know exactly what needs to be done, and I can prove it. I look at my brother and think, if I want something baked, cooked, or whatever done concerning food, I can go to him.

The other day I went to work feeling very schmeh. I didn't want to mess customers' complaints, I didn't want to be told when to take my lunch breaks, or what register to go to, I didn't want to ring up two cases of beer a customer wanted to buy. I didn't want to be there, I did not want to mess with people.

I hate the thought of going somewhere else, outside of Indiana, leaving my family, friends, church, my home. But another part of me wants to go out and explore, knowing I am doing something, being somewhere God wants me to be. It's a tug of war.

In this state schmehness I'm stagnant. I'm waiting to live life and yet see it drift by not knowing quite how to get it back.

Well, after a whole blog entry of nothing about me complaining about how dull my life is and feeling sorry for myself, I will end this now.

Happiness

I am now sitting at my local Starbucks, with my tall Peppermint Mocha inches from my laptop. I love coffee. For a person who would not have a drop enter her mouth 4 years ago, I have rapidly loved the drink, variations of it and the mood it brings when you drink it or think about it.

What is it about coffee people love? As I sit here and think about the very question I asked I think about what I'm doing. Sitting and releasing my wonderfully profound thoughts for the whole world to read. The decor of the coffee shop is inviting, relaxing photos are carefully placed to send the drinkers to another world outside the one they are currently in. Where they are whoever they have dreamed of being. For me it's a writer, a photographer, an animal lover who dreams of somehow pulling all 3 together and making my happy little life out in the country being my own person in big old farm house with a wrap around porch.

Coffee puts me in the same mood as when I hold a camera or a notebook with blank pages just waiting for thoughts to be written on.

But reality sets in and wakes me up I come back to my life and realize I have to get ready for work at Kroger. What a blah job, compared to my carefree artsy-fartsy wanna be twin. I wonder if life can be that way. Can I really make a living out of being carefree and my own person? How do artsy fartsy people do it?

I'll be turning 31 in less then a month. I'll ask exactly what I asked when 30 was coming; What have I done with this year? I graduated college. But even that, I think, enh, what else have I done? How am I different spiritually? How have I impacted the small world around me? I still feel somehow like a Joe schmo with many much more to learn. Will I ever "arrive"? Will I ever arrive to a point in my life where I will say, "hey I'm content, I can stop pursuing hobbies, and careers and avenues of life I haven't pursued."

I don't know. But in the mean time I will strive to accomplish what I would like to accomplish. Strive to draw closer to God and find what He wants me to do. I will be content, at least very hard to be, with me just being a Jane of all trades, but at the same time focusing on my goals and not settling. Jane of all trades isn't too shabby.

Even Janes need to drink coffee.

Here We Go---Another Attempt at Blogging

Ya know, I just can't seem to get the hang of this here blogging thing. I have started like...4 blogs over my lifetime (at least, over the last...oh...5 years...) that I just can't seem to get off the ground. It's pretty ridiculous.

However, now, I am serious. Now...life begins. I will now impart to the masses my vast wealth of photographic and random knowledge. I don't know if I'll have enough to fill a blog, but I sure as stink am going to try.

So...where do I begin? I like to take pictures. The end.

No...wait...there's more. I want to do cool things with my pictures and my artsy-fartsy inner self that is screaming like a wild man to get out. I can hear him now.

So...I'll go take some pictures and post them...and you can comment--good, bad, or ugly. (However, if it's ugly, be nice.)

Bye for now.