Schmeh

I love this word. It was discovered one night watching Voyager. Sherry was playing around with words an Alien had said and ever since then we have used it in pretty much every sentence. Much like that famous Mary Poppins word but only shorter. It explains everything from feelings, thoughts, what you want to do tonight, everything.


I've been feeling schmeh lately, at least last few weeks/months. I'm feeling as if I am looking for a new path in life and can not find it. I feel as if I'm able to do "things" I can not do not by any fault of anyone, mind you, but simply because they are not asked for, they are not thought of, or the position/idea has been filled. So I am here, waiting for an opening, a place to belong, a place where I think I am making a difference and not just taking up room.

I have been back in Indiana for almost a year, out of college since December and I feel as if I'm floating. I battle with trying to prove what I can do and what I know and trying to get out of my moment of Mediocrity or the state of "Just Good Enough to Get By" in which I've been battling that my whole life. I'm not sure I'll really ever get over that state.

I can't wait for the day in which I will be doing something and I can tell others and myself, I can do this, I know this area, I know exactly what needs to be done, and I can prove it. I look at my brother and think, if I want something baked, cooked, or whatever done concerning food, I can go to him.

The other day I went to work feeling very schmeh. I didn't want to mess customers' complaints, I didn't want to be told when to take my lunch breaks, or what register to go to, I didn't want to ring up two cases of beer a customer wanted to buy. I didn't want to be there, I did not want to mess with people.

I hate the thought of going somewhere else, outside of Indiana, leaving my family, friends, church, my home. But another part of me wants to go out and explore, knowing I am doing something, being somewhere God wants me to be. It's a tug of war.

In this state schmehness I'm stagnant. I'm waiting to live life and yet see it drift by not knowing quite how to get it back.

Well, after a whole blog entry of nothing about me complaining about how dull my life is and feeling sorry for myself, I will end this now.