Memories

Every once in a while I will have episodes of memories flooding my mind not knowing really how long I will be stuck in this "ah memories" mode but feeling very out of it.

Recently I've been remembering times when my brother and I were younger and would play all sorts of random games, pretending we were anyone but ourselves. Of course those who know me well have already heard these stories, so bare with me. But today an old friend, Brian, and I happened to visit a local thrift store and he being the strong man that he is started rummaging through all these bins of toys. as we started finding toys we both used to play with memories flowed through again...

My brother and I would usually fight, but we did have little snippets of time we actually got along enough to have some fun. I remember mostly the tom-boyish things I would do with him. We would watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Transformers, all the Saturday morning cartoons, laying in our pj's. On the days we played out side and find out we could make our Turtle head bands, just smashing berries on sheet strips. He made a really cool pair of nun-chucks and I made a pair of dagger out of cardboard and foil paper.

I remember all this stuff when I look at who we have become today, almost wishing we could drift back to those innocent days and just worry about which turtle we would be. We would stack up all the pillows and pretend we were horse racing. We would dig snow forts in the winter, climb trees in the summer.

Those memories are special. I love my brother, he would make me mad sometime, still does, and he makes me laugh so hard I cry. The toys were classic, today we found originals of so many characters both Brian and I remember. To top it off I'm in my old hometown, Markleville. My whole life was spent in this town. Odd how when you visit a place you see things that have drastically changed and others you're surprised haven't changed at all. Markelville is still a blink you'll miss it nothing town, while Pendleton,another home town of mine, is booming with progress.

As I look back I look at life back then and now, and wonder if I'm the same person. Have I grown? Have broadened my horizons? I look at myself today and think of me just pushing forward and wanting more done and more accomplished. I've been fueled to go further. God has given me this desire to do more and to be better than what I knew. I don't want to settle for less than what God has for more. I also need to be focused on what he wants me to do. I need to be detached from anything keeping me from God.

The only one I need to be attached to is God and His will for my life.

First Attempts

I got my first chance at dog grooming yesterday. It was fun, I could see myself doing it as a career, along with my other 20 on the side jobs ;). I bathed 3 dogs, one of which was infested with fleas. Other then knowing I have to bathe everything, fight a few eye boogies and get an occasional splash of water I'll make it.

I've got to take control, and know what the priorities in life are. 1. Serving God. I need to find a way to work and serve/worship God in church. I have noticed that my feelings have been effected by not attending church on a regular bases. Sure I can have personal time but it is not the same as being surrounded by other Christians and being in God's house listening to someone else's insight on the word of God.

I think i have to be patient. Know that what I am doing, where I am at is preparing me for whatever God has planned for me. I don't have to rush and get all the photo equipment NOW, I don't have to get a degree in it yet, nor do I have to tell anyone and feel bad that I am not photographing everything needed to be.

So yeah those are my thoughts. Fall is coming. I left my windows up in my car while driving, never thought that day would come soon enough. Our house is neatly decorated for fall, complete with all the fallish scented candles we could scrounge up. I feel like going to a pumpkin patch farm and going for a hay bale ride, looking for the perfect pumpkin. I miss those Marching Band Fall parties.

Well that is all for now. I am resting the truth that God knows what He is doing, He knows our desires and our thoughts. His plans are greater than ours, they are inconceivable to our little brains, so just be content in knowing Someone knows what is going on.

We don't have to know everything do we?Why do we get upset for not knowing everything? How is it we expect to know but we couldn't handle it?

Schmeh

I love this word. It was discovered one night watching Voyager. Sherry was playing around with words an Alien had said and ever since then we have used it in pretty much every sentence. Much like that famous Mary Poppins word but only shorter. It explains everything from feelings, thoughts, what you want to do tonight, everything.


I've been feeling schmeh lately, at least last few weeks/months. I'm feeling as if I am looking for a new path in life and can not find it. I feel as if I'm able to do "things" I can not do not by any fault of anyone, mind you, but simply because they are not asked for, they are not thought of, or the position/idea has been filled. So I am here, waiting for an opening, a place to belong, a place where I think I am making a difference and not just taking up room.

I have been back in Indiana for almost a year, out of college since December and I feel as if I'm floating. I battle with trying to prove what I can do and what I know and trying to get out of my moment of Mediocrity or the state of "Just Good Enough to Get By" in which I've been battling that my whole life. I'm not sure I'll really ever get over that state.

I can't wait for the day in which I will be doing something and I can tell others and myself, I can do this, I know this area, I know exactly what needs to be done, and I can prove it. I look at my brother and think, if I want something baked, cooked, or whatever done concerning food, I can go to him.

The other day I went to work feeling very schmeh. I didn't want to mess customers' complaints, I didn't want to be told when to take my lunch breaks, or what register to go to, I didn't want to ring up two cases of beer a customer wanted to buy. I didn't want to be there, I did not want to mess with people.

I hate the thought of going somewhere else, outside of Indiana, leaving my family, friends, church, my home. But another part of me wants to go out and explore, knowing I am doing something, being somewhere God wants me to be. It's a tug of war.

In this state schmehness I'm stagnant. I'm waiting to live life and yet see it drift by not knowing quite how to get it back.

Well, after a whole blog entry of nothing about me complaining about how dull my life is and feeling sorry for myself, I will end this now.